i saw you on stage last night.
it was really tonight, but i had to separate with a day in my mind
so i saw you on stage last night.
i saw so many things on you last night.
i saw so many things in you last night.
i saw me in so many ways with you last night.
and for the first time, i let me be me last night.
but then i had a reality check. with this lye i'm afraid to wreck,
i stayed seated and stayed watching.
i stayed quiet and stayed longing.
i stayed.
i stayed.
i stayed.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
So I Like To Slam Every Once and a While
In addition to a new approach to blogging, I will be adding something else to So So Serious: poetry!!! stay tuned!!!
Monday, February 15, 2010
So So Reflecting
Reflections on Brasil
When I first headed off to Brasil, I was ready for the excitement and change that I knew was coming my way. As a dark-skinned working class Black female, I thought that Bahia, home to the largest number of Afro-descendants outside of Africa as a result of the Trans-Atlantic Slave Trade, would be a great place to start expanding my own understanding of the Diaspora. As an activist and a Black Studies major, I thought living with the social constructions of Brasilian society would challenge everything I had believed to learn and unlearn during my time at Swarthmore College. And as an American with educational privilege and increasing social mobility as a result of it, I thought that I would start to think more critically of my own nationality privilege in the the realm of transnational political, economic and social movements. I envisioned that all of this change and transformation would happen through relationships that I would make with other Black students, activists and organizers that I would meet during my time there.
Despite everything that I considered before leaving, my arrival and first few weeks in Bahia were characterized by a series of complete and thorough shocks to my entire psyche. My first major shock would have to be the passing of the late and great Michael Jackson. I was on a connecting flight near Atlanta when I heard the news. Saying good-bye to my mom and sister, realizing the solitary nature of what lay ahead of me and the loss of an icon that I could not totally comprehend kept me in and out of bouts of sobbing on my flights to Atlanta, Recife and finally, Salvador. It was this powerful mixture of distinct emotions coupled with excitement that defined my emotional landscape as I landed in Salvador da Bahia. It was unusual to arrive in mourning without the opportunity to do so within the context that I had learned to love and respect Michael Jackson, back home in Bronx, NY. However, it was also comforting to arrive in mourning because it was the profound love of Michael Jackson that allowed me to connect with many baianos that I met in my first weeks there. Baiano love for Michael Jackson, unmoved by allegations of child abuse and bolstered by his 1994 performance in the historic center, Peloruinho, with the Afro-drumming collective, Olodum, really helped me start to construct my own love of Bahia and Brasil.
My next shock was the total and complete Portuguese language immersion alongside with the total and complete English language extraction. I valued having the opportunity to be a language minority. I thought that it was important for me, as an American native English speaker, to have a life experience where I am not fluent in the dominant language, culture or social independence that is required to survive as a way to better understand the advantages that I rely on to navigate American society. Keeping the significant privileges that I have as an American college student in mind, especially within the context of Brasil, really helped keep perspective as to one of the several reasons why learning Portuguese in Brasil was a relatively enjoyable experience. However, the most difficult aspect of my language immersion experience remained -- pushing aside my fluency in thought, comprehension and self-expression for very, very rudimentary conversational skills for survival. The basic ability to understand and be understood became something that required extreme conscious effort, energy, patience and room for lots of mistakes, even the embarrassing ones. But it was through the tiring alertness, patience and lots and lots of mistakes which I slowly learned the Portuguese language.
Then came meeting the other students in my study abroad program. As a young dark-skinned Black woman and Black Studies major, venturing off to Bahia, a predominantly Black land, I was extremely surprised and very disappointed to take a seat during the orientation, look around the room and realize that I would be the representative token Black person for the next six months of my life. Although there were a few other Black students, I was very saddened to learn that they would be leaving Bahia after only a very short four weeks. My hopes and expectations seemed to be flashing before my eyes. So much of what I thought that I would be able to do, learn and grow was dependent on the condition that there would be other Black students in my study abroad group that I could at the very least feel comfortable going out with to meet other Afro-Brasilians. I did not want to deal with uncritical whiteness nor the people that it attracted. I did not want my tokenness to speak for my politics in the eyes of other Afro-Brasilians. And I did not want to be the official spokesperson for all Black people and their various sub-cultures for six months straight.
My next step towards easing into Brasilian society was moving in with my host family. While this was a fairly smooth process, moving in with the family was not as simple as becoming a part of the family. I was very welcomed and made to feel very much at home. However, the unique thing about my host family, and most other middle-upper class families in Bahia, is that the only other dark-skinned Black woman, aside from me, that was "a part of the family" was the maid, Thea*. Aside from all of the basic issues that may come to mind when thinking of this sort of living situation, the basic thing that I had a problem with is that I did not feel comfortable having someone who looks like me, my mother, my aunt, my sister, my grandmother, cook and clean up after me. There is nothing wrong with cooking or cleaning. It is admiral work that society cannot function without. It is the fact that I could never reciprocate or work with Thea to maintain a space that we both benefited from equally that highlighted this power imbalance that I had to confront. On one level, there was this very real privilege that I had to look in the eye that for the first time in my life. Despite my feelings of solidarity and very deep connection to the African Diaspora, the combination of my American-ness, educational access and class mobility determines my life and well-being in very real ways that are dramatically different from many of my kin in the greater Diaspora. In Bahia, it gave me enough social status, security and respect from the greater Brasilian society so that I could have a care-free existence at the expense of Thea and a countless number of Afro-Brasilians.
On the other hand, I always wondered, how much of a welcome would I have received from my host family and other Brasilians alike as a dark-skinned Black woman, had I not been American or a college student or a native English speaker. With time, the answer revealed itself. As my skin got darker from the Bahian sun and as my Portuguese improved, the excitement that characterized people's eagerness to meet me faded away with my American accent. As my ability to pass for baiana increased, the American flag as my cloak of protection seemed to become more penetrable, more removable and more invisible.
Overall, I thoroughly enjoyed my time in Bahia and Brasil. It is an experience that I will value for the rest of my life. I learned so much and it has really transformed me in lots of unexpected ways. And even though I have already left and am already savoring the moment of return, I am still learning and still trying to understand my time there and Brasil in general. I look forward to returning under different circumstances and with more of an ability to be at the service of those doing social justice work there.
----
*pseudonym
**Interested in hearing more about my experience in Brasil? Email me at smensah1@swarthmore.edu. I especially welcome other Black people in the campus community, or elsewhere, to get in touch with me as well.
When I first headed off to Brasil, I was ready for the excitement and change that I knew was coming my way. As a dark-skinned working class Black female, I thought that Bahia, home to the largest number of Afro-descendants outside of Africa as a result of the Trans-Atlantic Slave Trade, would be a great place to start expanding my own understanding of the Diaspora. As an activist and a Black Studies major, I thought living with the social constructions of Brasilian society would challenge everything I had believed to learn and unlearn during my time at Swarthmore College. And as an American with educational privilege and increasing social mobility as a result of it, I thought that I would start to think more critically of my own nationality privilege in the the realm of transnational political, economic and social movements. I envisioned that all of this change and transformation would happen through relationships that I would make with other Black students, activists and organizers that I would meet during my time there.
Despite everything that I considered before leaving, my arrival and first few weeks in Bahia were characterized by a series of complete and thorough shocks to my entire psyche. My first major shock would have to be the passing of the late and great Michael Jackson. I was on a connecting flight near Atlanta when I heard the news. Saying good-bye to my mom and sister, realizing the solitary nature of what lay ahead of me and the loss of an icon that I could not totally comprehend kept me in and out of bouts of sobbing on my flights to Atlanta, Recife and finally, Salvador. It was this powerful mixture of distinct emotions coupled with excitement that defined my emotional landscape as I landed in Salvador da Bahia. It was unusual to arrive in mourning without the opportunity to do so within the context that I had learned to love and respect Michael Jackson, back home in Bronx, NY. However, it was also comforting to arrive in mourning because it was the profound love of Michael Jackson that allowed me to connect with many baianos that I met in my first weeks there. Baiano love for Michael Jackson, unmoved by allegations of child abuse and bolstered by his 1994 performance in the historic center, Peloruinho, with the Afro-drumming collective, Olodum, really helped me start to construct my own love of Bahia and Brasil.
My next shock was the total and complete Portuguese language immersion alongside with the total and complete English language extraction. I valued having the opportunity to be a language minority. I thought that it was important for me, as an American native English speaker, to have a life experience where I am not fluent in the dominant language, culture or social independence that is required to survive as a way to better understand the advantages that I rely on to navigate American society. Keeping the significant privileges that I have as an American college student in mind, especially within the context of Brasil, really helped keep perspective as to one of the several reasons why learning Portuguese in Brasil was a relatively enjoyable experience. However, the most difficult aspect of my language immersion experience remained -- pushing aside my fluency in thought, comprehension and self-expression for very, very rudimentary conversational skills for survival. The basic ability to understand and be understood became something that required extreme conscious effort, energy, patience and room for lots of mistakes, even the embarrassing ones. But it was through the tiring alertness, patience and lots and lots of mistakes which I slowly learned the Portuguese language.
Then came meeting the other students in my study abroad program. As a young dark-skinned Black woman and Black Studies major, venturing off to Bahia, a predominantly Black land, I was extremely surprised and very disappointed to take a seat during the orientation, look around the room and realize that I would be the representative token Black person for the next six months of my life. Although there were a few other Black students, I was very saddened to learn that they would be leaving Bahia after only a very short four weeks. My hopes and expectations seemed to be flashing before my eyes. So much of what I thought that I would be able to do, learn and grow was dependent on the condition that there would be other Black students in my study abroad group that I could at the very least feel comfortable going out with to meet other Afro-Brasilians. I did not want to deal with uncritical whiteness nor the people that it attracted. I did not want my tokenness to speak for my politics in the eyes of other Afro-Brasilians. And I did not want to be the official spokesperson for all Black people and their various sub-cultures for six months straight.
My next step towards easing into Brasilian society was moving in with my host family. While this was a fairly smooth process, moving in with the family was not as simple as becoming a part of the family. I was very welcomed and made to feel very much at home. However, the unique thing about my host family, and most other middle-upper class families in Bahia, is that the only other dark-skinned Black woman, aside from me, that was "a part of the family" was the maid, Thea*. Aside from all of the basic issues that may come to mind when thinking of this sort of living situation, the basic thing that I had a problem with is that I did not feel comfortable having someone who looks like me, my mother, my aunt, my sister, my grandmother, cook and clean up after me. There is nothing wrong with cooking or cleaning. It is admiral work that society cannot function without. It is the fact that I could never reciprocate or work with Thea to maintain a space that we both benefited from equally that highlighted this power imbalance that I had to confront. On one level, there was this very real privilege that I had to look in the eye that for the first time in my life. Despite my feelings of solidarity and very deep connection to the African Diaspora, the combination of my American-ness, educational access and class mobility determines my life and well-being in very real ways that are dramatically different from many of my kin in the greater Diaspora. In Bahia, it gave me enough social status, security and respect from the greater Brasilian society so that I could have a care-free existence at the expense of Thea and a countless number of Afro-Brasilians.
On the other hand, I always wondered, how much of a welcome would I have received from my host family and other Brasilians alike as a dark-skinned Black woman, had I not been American or a college student or a native English speaker. With time, the answer revealed itself. As my skin got darker from the Bahian sun and as my Portuguese improved, the excitement that characterized people's eagerness to meet me faded away with my American accent. As my ability to pass for baiana increased, the American flag as my cloak of protection seemed to become more penetrable, more removable and more invisible.
Overall, I thoroughly enjoyed my time in Bahia and Brasil. It is an experience that I will value for the rest of my life. I learned so much and it has really transformed me in lots of unexpected ways. And even though I have already left and am already savoring the moment of return, I am still learning and still trying to understand my time there and Brasil in general. I look forward to returning under different circumstances and with more of an ability to be at the service of those doing social justice work there.
----
*pseudonym
**Interested in hearing more about my experience in Brasil? Email me at smensah1@swarthmore.edu. I especially welcome other Black people in the campus community, or elsewhere, to get in touch with me as well.
Sunday, February 14, 2010
So So Back!
Hello to my beautiful family, friends and community:
I'm back! Yes, I made it back. I went to Bahia, Brasil. For six months. What an amazing beautiful experience that I am still trying to make sense of.
Anyways, I just wanted to let y'all know, that I am back! Not only to the Northern Hemisphere, Not only to the United States, Not only to New York and Swarthmore, but back to blogging and vlogging again!
I look forward to sharing my thoughts and having great conversations. I look forward to further discovering how the past 6-8 months have really me changed me and challenged me and helped me grow. Yes, I know, a lot of me. Seems kind of ego-centric, sort of. But it is after all, my blog right? ;D
Until my next post,
Beijosssssssss
Sable
sososerious.blogspot.com
I'm back! Yes, I made it back. I went to Bahia, Brasil. For six months. What an amazing beautiful experience that I am still trying to make sense of.
Anyways, I just wanted to let y'all know, that I am back! Not only to the Northern Hemisphere, Not only to the United States, Not only to New York and Swarthmore, but back to blogging and vlogging again!
I look forward to sharing my thoughts and having great conversations. I look forward to further discovering how the past 6-8 months have really me changed me and challenged me and helped me grow. Yes, I know, a lot of me. Seems kind of ego-centric, sort of. But it is after all, my blog right? ;D
Until my next post,
Beijosssssssss
Sable
sososerious.blogspot.com
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